Cannon balls

CANNON BALLS !!! DID YOU KNOW THIS?

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you? You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few friends.

 

h/t SALDan

Cooter and Gomer…

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly…
   
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.  The three had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.  You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up… Roll him over.'
 
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

 

h/t SALDan

Fw: [Fwd: Fw: First Christmas joke 2008]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,  "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Always Check your children's homework

 ,_._,___ actually.....Mommy  works at Home Depot, she was selling a shovel

Beware of The Dog House!

http://adage.com/brightcove/single.php?bcpid=1370868150&bctid=3130509001

A Christmas story

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas
pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows
where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the
cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the
cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the
straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked
it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

LETS HEAR IT FOR BUBBA

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was
Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

 

The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until

 

Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a d eer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

 

h/t auntD

 

How to maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries
with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You have a headache..

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity :

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER, AND ASK
WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Ralph & Edna

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally
respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you
love.
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"

Happy Mental Health day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend..
I just did .

A teacher was doing a study

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first Graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to say:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange .............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.  After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. 
  
"Well, she said, I will give you all a clue.  It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,  "Oh, my God!! They're assholes!"

rednecks

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk
replies, 'Go ahead

*****************************************

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to
32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

*****************************************

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records

*****************************************

Who invented the toothbrush ?
A Redneck. If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called
a teethbrush.

*****************************************

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver,
'Got any I.D. ?'.
and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

*****************************************

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

*****************************************

A new Redneck law was just recent ly passed
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

*****************************************

Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down ?
'Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total
loss too. Both books went poof . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even
finished coloring one of them.'

The Hair Cut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks
about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.' The florist is pleased and leaves

the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

T he next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay

his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm

doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy

and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our

country and the members of our Congress.

Vote carefully this year.

Cat bowling

Normally I am against animal cruelty  but this is fun
my first score was 83, but I am getting better!

http://www.brandextract.com/catbowling/

Happy Halloween and a hat tip to anewdawn 
 

 

Some Punny Lines...

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults; Practice safe sects!

Having an Impact

An English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time
marking grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't
sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when
she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter? What
has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ... ???"

Body Facts

      - Full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

      - It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

      - One human hair can support 3kg.

 

      - Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

 

      - The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

 

      - Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

 

      - A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

 

      - If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

 

      - Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

 

      - There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

 

      - Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

 

      - Women blink twice as much as men.

 

      - The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

 

      - When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

 

      - It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.

 

      - You're ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

 

      - Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

 

      - If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

 

      -The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

 

      You checked out the length of your thumb against your nose.

 

      

 

      Didn't ya?  Yes you did, you know you did.... admit it!

GAME

I love silly little pages like this....
http://mazzanet.id.au/ball.php

In case you were wondering

In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the workers went unto their supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it."

And the managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.  And the Plan became Policy.

This is how Shit Happens. just in case you were wondering.

 

h/t AuntD

A Test For Smart People

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The
questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have
answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the
repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend....
except one.
Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just
put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do
not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been
listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This
tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals
they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several
correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the
theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Butt Dust....

What, you ask, is 'butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!

These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breastfeeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN ( age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then a sked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon: 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

h/t SALBob

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages

The library will include:

-The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

- The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

-The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

-The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

-The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

-The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

-The National Debt Room which is huge and has no ceiling.

-The Tax Cut Room with entry only to the wealthy.

-The Economy Room which is in the toilet.

-The Iraq War Room- After you complete your first tour, they make you go
back for a second, third, fourth, and sometime s fifth tour.

-The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with
shotgun gallery.

-The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

-The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican
Senators.

-The Decider Room complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board,
dice, coins, and straws.

-In addition, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate
the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans free; Democrats - $1000 or three Euros

Wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2 . On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in
the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They' re the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean n be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck
happened?'

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

The Laws of Ultimate Reality

Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 

Law of Gravity Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

 

Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 

Law of the  Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

Law of the Theater At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last

 

The Starbucks Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have a adjacent lockers.

 

Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug!

 

Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

 

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

 

Good Food Law The better something tastes, the greater the probability that it is bad for you.

 

h/t auntD

A Sense of Freshness...

A new supermarket opened in Topeka, KS. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on,
you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you
experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled
steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon
and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh
baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

HTBAPB

Jennifer's wedding day was fast  approaching.  Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her  parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT  dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother- of-the-bride  ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified  to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same  dress !  Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.   'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm  wearing it,' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another  dress.  After all, it's your special day.' A few days later, they  went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

 

When they  stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to  return the other dress?  You really don't have another occasion  where you could wear it.  Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of  course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal  dinner the night before the wedding.' NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN  OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?  SEND IT TO  EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW!!! (HTBAPB - HOW TO BE A PER FECT  BITCH!!)

G.W. Bush Library

 

I'm sure everyone's heard about the new GW Bush Sewage Treatment plant in California? I died laughing when I

saw that one. So when I got this today I had to share it. The decider one has to be my favorite!
Enjoy
 
The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages

The library will include:
-The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

- The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

-The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

-The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

-The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

-The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

-The National Debt Room which is huge and has no ceiling.

-The Tax Cut Room with entry only to the wealthy.

-The Economy Room which is in the toilet.

-The Iraq War Room- After you complete your first tour, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometime s fifth tour.

-The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.

-The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

-The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

-The Decider Room complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

-In addition, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans free; Democrats - $1000 or three Euros

For those of you who have worked w/in a corporate structure ... or for any government agency!!!

 

What you may run into at the next class reunion

h/t anewDawn

Farmers Three Daughters

 

quick thinking

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their 
seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him 
and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer 
complaints.

 

h/t AuntDee

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left..

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house ! to my de sk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the count er,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

h/t SAL Dale

Bear sign

h/t anewDawn

 

 

 

 

Crocodile Diet

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

 

h/t auntD

Confess your sins and be forgiven

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

40 years of marriage!

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving
to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary
II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will
never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years
old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are
female.....

HUSBAND WANTED

 

Lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door just to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair He had no arms and no legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!'

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

A gain, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed?'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?

 

h/t SAL BOB

Father, my dog is dead

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sw eet Ma ry, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?

Obama is a post turtle

This is what I was trying to say about the video (from my blog post

http://curtspang.blogspot.com/2008/06/want-to-see-politician-choke-on.html

on what has obama accomplished. I just used more words with less clarity

than the old rancher.

 

h/t auntD

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher
whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up
a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to
Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a post turtle. 'Not
being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he
continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't
belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you
just wonder what kind of  dumb asses put him up there to begin with.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she  doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these  items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in  any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and  funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about  dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Innocence Is Priceless

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45"?

 

h/t SALBob

This is just funny

Bubba Died

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in To confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, "There's Bubba With them two assholes.

Imponderables...cute

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make
the Tennessee Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately,

after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep
the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so
that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving to purchase a bull out of town, the brunette tells her sister,
'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out
after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram
to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to
 my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to
hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we an haul it
home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it
will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her
the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that
bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.  She 'll read
it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

h/t SALBob

The Italian Tomato Garden........

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was

very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in

prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.


Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this

year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my

troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

 

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area

without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

 

The next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

Tax Rebate Checks Explained

        Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
        A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

        Q. Where will the government get this money?
        A. From taxpayers.

        Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
        A. Only a smidgen.

        Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
        A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

        Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
       A. Shut up.

 

h/t SALDale

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH :
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH :
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


COLIN POWELL :
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

 

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY :
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART :
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS :
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL :
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS :
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how
it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON :
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE :
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES :
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ....... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN :
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON :
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE :
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS :
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON :
Why are all the chickens white? We need different chickens of color.

Be Careful If Your Computer Does This

 

You KNOW it's been infected with some crappy virus!


H/T AuntD

Talk about the roots of geneology.

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race
appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

h/t AuntD

What they mean when they ask YOU for 100%

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, but itʼs the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Harley VS Honda

When you click on the sound be sure and listen until it is finished.

h/t SALDale

YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
go out to eat.(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...
If you haven't, add 1757.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
WHILE IT LASTS

h/t SALDale

Mexican Virus Alert

BUENOS DIAS!!


JOU HAVE YUST RECEIB A MEHICAN BIRUS!!!!! SEENCE WE NOT SO TECHNOLOGICALLY ADBANCED IN MEHICO, DIS IS A MANUAL BIRUS.

PLEASE DELETE ALL THE FILES ON JOUR HARD DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.

TAN JOU POR YELPING ME.
JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODRIGUEZ GARCIA DE LA CRUZ INFANTE SALGADO FERNANDEZ,
-- MEXICAN HACKER
h/t AuntD

WORD PUZZLE

Can you figure out what these words have in common. If you figure it out leave me a note in the comments.

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7 . Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up?
Give it another try. Look at each word carefully.






Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.
(Thought I had the answer, but I did not go far enough.)

Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.
Did you figure it out?
H/T AuntD

Funny Divorse letter

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem

h/t AuntD

Over 40's cute song

this is a flash animation song about 2 baby boomers not wanting to get oldFollow link

25 Reasons I love my Mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'You don't have to like it, You just have to do it'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do '

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until your father gets home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

h/t SALBob

Innocence Is Priceless

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45"?

 

h/t SALBob

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she  doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these  items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in  any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and  funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about  dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!