Body Facts

      - Full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

      - It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

      - One human hair can support 3kg.

 

      - Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

 

      - The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

 

      - Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

 

      - A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

 

      - If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

 

      - Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

 

      - There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

 

      - Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

 

      - Women blink twice as much as men.

 

      - The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

 

      - When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

 

      - It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.

 

      - You're ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

 

      - Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

 

      - If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

 

      -The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

 

      You checked out the length of your thumb against your nose.

 

      

 

      Didn't ya?  Yes you did, you know you did.... admit it!

GAME

I love silly little pages like this....
http://mazzanet.id.au/ball.php

In case you were wondering

In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the workers went unto their supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it."

And the managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.  And the Plan became Policy.

This is how Shit Happens. just in case you were wondering.

 

h/t AuntD

A Test For Smart People

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The
questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have
answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the
repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend....
except one.
Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just
put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do
not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been
listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This
tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals
they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several
correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the
theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Butt Dust....

What, you ask, is 'butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!

These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breastfeeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN ( age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then a sked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon: 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

h/t SALBob

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages

The library will include:

-The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

- The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

-The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

-The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

-The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

-The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

-The National Debt Room which is huge and has no ceiling.

-The Tax Cut Room with entry only to the wealthy.

-The Economy Room which is in the toilet.

-The Iraq War Room- After you complete your first tour, they make you go
back for a second, third, fourth, and sometime s fifth tour.

-The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with
shotgun gallery.

-The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

-The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican
Senators.

-The Decider Room complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board,
dice, coins, and straws.

-In addition, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate
the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans free; Democrats - $1000 or three Euros

Wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2 . On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in
the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They' re the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean n be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck
happened?'

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

The Laws of Ultimate Reality

Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 

Law of Gravity Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

 

Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 

Law of the  Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

Law of the Theater At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last

 

The Starbucks Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have a adjacent lockers.

 

Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug!

 

Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

 

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

 

Good Food Law The better something tastes, the greater the probability that it is bad for you.

 

h/t auntD

A Sense of Freshness...

A new supermarket opened in Topeka, KS. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on,
you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you
experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled
steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon
and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh
baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

HTBAPB

Jennifer's wedding day was fast  approaching.  Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her  parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT  dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother- of-the-bride  ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified  to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same  dress !  Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.   'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm  wearing it,' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another  dress.  After all, it's your special day.' A few days later, they  went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

 

When they  stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to  return the other dress?  You really don't have another occasion  where you could wear it.  Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of  course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal  dinner the night before the wedding.' NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN  OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?  SEND IT TO  EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW!!! (HTBAPB - HOW TO BE A PER FECT  BITCH!!)

G.W. Bush Library

 

I'm sure everyone's heard about the new GW Bush Sewage Treatment plant in California? I died laughing when I

saw that one. So when I got this today I had to share it. The decider one has to be my favorite!
Enjoy
 
The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages

The library will include:
-The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

- The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

-The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

-The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

-The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

-The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

-The National Debt Room which is huge and has no ceiling.

-The Tax Cut Room with entry only to the wealthy.

-The Economy Room which is in the toilet.

-The Iraq War Room- After you complete your first tour, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometime s fifth tour.

-The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.

-The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

-The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

-The Decider Room complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

-In addition, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans free; Democrats - $1000 or three Euros

For those of you who have worked w/in a corporate structure ... or for any government agency!!!

 

What you may run into at the next class reunion

h/t anewDawn

Farmers Three Daughters

 

quick thinking

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their 
seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him 
and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer 
complaints.

 

h/t AuntDee