Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer was obsessed with the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of
Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick...
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Proper Grammar!!!
On my 63rd birthday, I received a gift certificate from a friend. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation in Connecticut . It was rumored that he had a wonderful cure for
erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the
medicine man and wondered what would happen next.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and
with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must
be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When
you do
that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and
you can perform as long as you want."
I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the
medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he
responded. "But
when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took
a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the
bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began
throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3
for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition!
ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation in Connecticut . It was rumored that he had a wonderful cure for
erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the
medicine man and wondered what would happen next.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and
with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must
be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When
you do
that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and
you can perform as long as you want."
I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the
medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he
responded. "But
when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took
a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the
bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began
throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3
for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition!
ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!
H/T SALDale
Monday, March 9, 2009
Ssssssssstttutering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,'she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered..' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,'said the teacher.
'It sure was,'said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit!', the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
h/t SALDale
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Ear Infection
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you." The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment inthis room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering. The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear." The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it."
The waiting room erupted in laughter.The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.
h/t SALDale
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Tools and Their Uses
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'What the...??!!'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding=2 0heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles with the speed of a ballistic missile for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2 X 4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use..
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are t rying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
H/T SALDale
How To Call Police
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?'
He said 'No, 'but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said 'All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'
George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!
H/T SALDale
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Who thinks this stuff up???
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect..
KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memorium: With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,
which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The
Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his
family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then
the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of
them!"
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like
the passengers in his car.
Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and beat you
with experience.
H/T anewDawn
MURDER AT WALMART
You won't believe it!!
So, here's the story. . .
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on
his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her
killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie
sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down
payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last
breath & slumped to the floor.......
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder
scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately
called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the
store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
(You're going to hate me for this .. )
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'
Oh, quit groaning!
I don't write this stuff,
I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The Black Bra
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
Monday, February 9, 2009
You Know You're A Floridian if
You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
Your winter coat is made of denim.
You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.
You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
You dread love bug season.
You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.
You think a six -foot alligator is actually pretty average.
You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.
You can pronounce Okeechobee and Kissimmee .
You recognize Miami-Dade as ' Northern Cuba'
You not only forward this but you understand it!
h/t SALDale
Monday, February 2, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Roping a Deer
Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well!
(Names have been removed to protect the Stupid!)
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed
it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that,
since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much
fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up
and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4
feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and
toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport
it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were
not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them... I picked
out...a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and
I threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a
step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the
rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action
when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is stronger
than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight
down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off
my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me
having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had
originally imagined.
The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other
animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick
to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me
a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood
flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my
taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off
the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no
love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing,
and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against
various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still
think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I
shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in,
so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed
to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little
trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope
back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years
would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very
surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed
hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where
they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head
-- almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim
by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my
right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on
their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and
their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that,
when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and
you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud
noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually
cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
not work In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a
horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit
you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice
as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it
hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has
passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on
you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering
your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So
now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope to sort of even the odds.
h/t SAL DALE
(Names have been removed to protect the Stupid!)
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed
it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that,
since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much
fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up
and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4
feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and
toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport
it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were
not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them... I picked
out...a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and
I threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a
step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the
rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action
when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is stronger
than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight
down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off
my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me
having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had
originally imagined.
The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other
animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick
to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me
a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood
flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my
taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off
the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no
love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing,
and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against
various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still
think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I
shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in,
so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed
to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little
trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope
back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years
would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very
surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed
hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where
they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head
-- almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim
by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my
right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on
their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and
their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that,
when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and
you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud
noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually
cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
not work In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a
horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit
you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice
as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it
hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has
passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on
you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering
your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So
now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope to sort of even the odds.
h/t SAL DALE
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