How to maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries
with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You have a headache..

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity :

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER, AND ASK
WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Ralph & Edna

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally
respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you
love.
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"

Happy Mental Health day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend..
I just did .

A teacher was doing a study

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first Graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to say:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange .............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.  After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. 
  
"Well, she said, I will give you all a clue.  It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,  "Oh, my God!! They're assholes!"

rednecks

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk
replies, 'Go ahead

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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to
32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

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Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records

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Who invented the toothbrush ?
A Redneck. If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called
a teethbrush.

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A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver,
'Got any I.D. ?'.
and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

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Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

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A new Redneck law was just recent ly passed
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

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Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down ?
'Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total
loss too. Both books went poof . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even
finished coloring one of them.'