Ventriloquist-blond joke

Ventriloquist

  A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night,
  he does a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his
  dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual
  dumb blonde jokes.

  Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her
  chair and shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde
  jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women
  that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to
  do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you
  who keep women like me from being respected at work
  and in the community, and from reaching our full potential
  as a person. because you and your kind continue to
  perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but
  women in general... and all in the name of humor!"

  The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,
  and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister...
  I'm talking to that little shit sitting on your knee!"

 

h/t from Auntie Dee

Little Kenny ***WARNING - ADULT THEMES **

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A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

bizarre fantasies

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

lost a finger

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.

The chef's claim was approved.

Irish Humor

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
__,_._,___

Irish Humor

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He say s, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..' "

Irish Humor

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Irish Humor

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

Irish Humor

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

 

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

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