Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing. 

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.  I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick." 

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you." The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment inthis room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."   

"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering. The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?" 

"There's something wrong with my ear." The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it."

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

 

h/t SALDale

Tools and Their Uses

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'What the...??!!'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding=2 0heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles with the speed of a ballistic missile for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2 X 4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use..

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops  to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside  edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.  Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are t rying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

H/T SALDale

How To Call Police

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips,  an elderly man, from Meridian,  Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.  George opened the back door to go turn off the light,  but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?'

He said 'No, 'but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said 'All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'

George said,  'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.  'Hello,  I  just  called  you a few seconds ago  because  there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you  don't  have  to  worry  about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'  residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!

H/T SALDale

Who thinks this stuff up???

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect..

KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memorium: With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,
which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The
Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his
family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then
the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of
them!"

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like
the passengers in his car.

Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and beat you
with experience.

H/T anewDawn

MURDER AT WALMART

You won't believe it!!

So, here's the story. . .


Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on
his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her
killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie
sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down
payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last
breath & slumped to the floor.......

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder
scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately
called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the
store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...





(You're going to hate me for this .. )






'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'


Oh, quit groaning!
I don't write this stuff,
I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.  One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said,  'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'  Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

You Know You're A Floridian if

You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.

Your winter coat is made of denim.

You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.

You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.

You dread love bug season.

You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.

You think a six -foot alligator is actually pretty average.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.

You can pronounce Okeechobee and Kissimmee .

You recognize Miami-Dade as ' Northern Cuba'

You not only forward this but you understand it!

 

h/t SALDale

You don't have to be an animal lover

to smile at this one. That poor poor german shepard.

Didn't I tell you to check

your kids homework???!!!

battered women

 

Of course I do not believe in spouse abuse. That given this guy is funny.