Thought for the day
Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it.
Piss on it and walk away.
amen
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Thought for the day
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Blonde and Trucker
A trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather andyou are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some
of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath , the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on
the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my
name is Heather, and you are losing som e of your load."
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it,
he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter in Illinois and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather andyou are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some
of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath , the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on
the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my
name is Heather, and you are losing som e of your load."
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it,
he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter in Illinois and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Spread the Stupidity
Spread the Stupidity
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and
a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'blood sucking
creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Cannon balls
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old
war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the
problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square
based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine,
which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be
stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the
problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square
based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine,
which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be
stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from
sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate
with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey. But if this plate was made
of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the
rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster
than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too
far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon
balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally,
cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time,
you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you? You must send this
fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few& unsuspecting
friends
sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate
with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey. But if this plate was made
of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the
rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster
than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too
far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon
balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally,
cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time,
you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you? You must send this
fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few& unsuspecting
friends
h/t to my Aunt Dee
Saturday, February 9, 2008
cute one, a little long but a happy ending
THE CURTAIN RODS
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle
of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed
half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the all
of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air
fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set
off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days,
and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any
longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually,
even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they
had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new
place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told
her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that
she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within
the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home -
including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
Monday, February 4, 2008
Butch the Rooster
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are! not always audible!Check it out.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are! not always audible!Check it out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)