25 Reasons I love my Mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'You don't have to like it, You just have to do it'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do '

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until your father gets home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

h/t SALBob

Innocence Is Priceless

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45"?

 

h/t SALBob

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she  doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these  items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in  any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and  funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about  dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

29 Lines To Make You Smile

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

h/t anewDawn

welfare job

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas
holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid- 20's
and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located
above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is
$200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!
The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.'

Confess your sins and be forgiven

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

'Father, my dog is dead

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sw eet Ma ry, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?

Last Meal

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he
slowly made his way out of the bedroom.

With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail
and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven.

There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were
literally hundreds of his favorite chocalte chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife
of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his
knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was
already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made
its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral!"

40 years of marriage!

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving
to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary
II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will
never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years
old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are
female.....

blonde painter.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells
the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds
his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is
wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she
is doing and she replies that she wantedto prove to him that not all
blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied
that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . ..

You'll love this ..

'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS'

Gift Idea for Father's Day

 

My new Nail Gun, made by Dewalt.

It can drive a 6-D nail thru a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.

This makes construction a real breeze

You can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Just get a few friends over to hold the fence boards in place.

Meanwhile you sit back and relax with a cold beverage.

When they have the board in the right place just fire away.

It comes with a hundred round magazine.

You will be able to build a fence with a minimum of reloading.

After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you fix or build anything else.

Available for a few more dollars is its only option, the 'band-aid magazine' for those near misses when fence building.

 

h/t anewDawn

Essential New Words

1. BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2.SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3.ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

4.SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.


5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6.PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8.SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9.STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10.SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11.XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12.IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.


13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
 
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message '404 Not Found,' meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17.OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18.WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
 
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

A Revival

Leroy had been in lots of trouble lately.  Then he heard about a revival.

He goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile, the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front of the altar. Leroy gets in line and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

 

Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

 

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

 

"Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend. It's not until next Wednesday

 

h/t Aunt D

Fw: VIAGRA & SUNBURN

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.  He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition,  but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

 

h/t SAL BOB

HUSBAND WANTED

 

Lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door just to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair He had no arms and no legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!'

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

A gain, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed?'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?

 

h/t SAL BOB

Politics NFDU

Federal Government and the Farmer

 

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your Water allocation.'

The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field Over There.'

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of theFederal Government with me.  See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WANT on ANY agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

 The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.Later, the Old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence. Close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep. with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out......
 

 

        Your card! Your card! Show him your card!

 

h/t SAL Dale

A woman was pulled over for speeding.

 A Texas State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. 
 
"He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." 
 
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.