Jimmy Dean sausage complaint call

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4RNb3tt0LM

Father's Day Gift Idea..Order While They Last!

For the manly man in your life.

 

RED NECK TANK TOP

No words will suffice just see the picture.   I cant believe I have never seen this before!!!!
It might take you a minute-- I think now I can say--'I've seen it all'
Redneck tank top..seen recently at a tractor pull.  

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates

An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Explaining Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

 

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. 

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

 

 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

 

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him

 

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

 

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

 

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny

 

He gives up and goes back to bed .

 

The next morning, the little boy says to his father,

 

"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. "

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class

while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit

Take It Like A Man

Walking into his favorite bar, Steve said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Fred. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Steve replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit."

Test for Dementia

Below are four ( 4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are...



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)




First Question :
Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ <


Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don 't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question :
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?


You're not very good at this, are you?



Third Question :
V ery tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator . Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30. Add another 1000 Now add 20 . Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100


If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your d ay, is it ? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.

Fourth Question :

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round :

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

 

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

 

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

Redneck Condominium

Redneck Condominium, 'nuff said.

>

Globalization

Finally, a definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I
now can relate:

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer:Princess: Diana's death.

Question: How come?
Answer : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French
tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who
was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the
spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian
medicines.

This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and
you're probably reading this on your computer, that
uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian
lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.... .

That, my friends,
is Globalization!

h/t Aunt Dee

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.20.9/1291 - Release Date: 2/21/2008
11:05 AM

The 12 Opossums of the Bible...

The Bible explained by kids - truth has been redefined!

 

 

One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church.  We try to do more than baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church facility.  We aim to give them a solid background in biblical history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses.  In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

 

 

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, Darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.  Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.  Then God made the world.  He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.  Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.  Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

 

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.   

 

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it.  He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.              

 

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

 

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President).  Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

 

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.   After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 Porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.  

 

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.   There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

 

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of the New Testament.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, Close the door!  Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

 

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.         

 

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.  Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

  

There!  Now you understand it.