Christmas Bonus!

 

Fw: Frosty ---> :-))))))))))))))

 

 

Fw: Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Nor thern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports
for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM The next day at 8:45 AM there is a
knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up,putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so
the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle
Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to
pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles. The 2 men watch i n amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight
face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Please sign a petition to rebuke santa

for being intolerant!

Ok, it is just a video but it is funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIGeUBz1kpY

but then again I do have a strange sense of humor.

 

Mrs hughes skewed views

 

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.

Christmas joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly
Gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what
do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

and so the Christmas season begins......

Kids say

JACK (age 3) was  watching his mum breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he  asked: 'Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold  milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her  Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any  more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your  panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mum good  night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my  bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She  tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration,  her mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for  her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's  me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking  juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she  said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ  (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I  cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed  in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without  taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her  mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When  his mum asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll  happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit  in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to  a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city  but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked:  'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY  (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman  her mum knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why  doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this mum will never forget....  this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms  extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his up turned face. 'Without  you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very  obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly  in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mum, what is butt dust?'

They walk among us

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. 
  
This actually happened in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane  
 
 ............ ..They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail. 
 
  
I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get- one-free" , she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door. 
 
 
............ ...They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail. 
 
  
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" 
 
 
............ ...They Walk Among Us! 
 
  
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and 
said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff." 
 
 
............ They Walk Among Us!! 
 
  
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, 
Pacific." 
 
  
............ They Walk Among Us! 
 
  
My friend has a lifesaving tool in his car designed to cut through a seat belt if he gets trapped. He keeps it in the trunk. 
 
 
............ ..They Walk Among Us! 
 
  
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. 
 
 
............ ...They Walk Among Us! 
 
  
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" 
 
 
............ They Walk Among Us! 
 
  
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." 
 
 
............ ..Yep, They Walk Among Us! 
 
  
They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce 

This is just funny...

Bubba Died

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in To confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, "There's Bubba With them two assholes.

AGING: The four stages of life

Yep! ?That about sums it up!

h/t to my aunt Dee

Riddle

 A woman was trimming her yard with a weed eater after she had mowed. Her cat started trying to play with the trimmer string and the woman accidently cut off the cat's tail. She grabbed up the cat and the severed tail and rushed to Wal Mart.  Why Wal Mart???? Because they are the world's largest retailer.  

Thoughts

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

Boo

 

Investment Advise

JUST IN TIME: SENSIBLE INVESTMENT ADVICE

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, our current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Marriage

You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead." - W. W. Renwick.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A Night Out With the Girls

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed, and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him, "Midnight." He didn't seem ticked off at all. Whew! Got away wit h that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night, our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, Shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."