Nick and the Queen!! lol

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. 

Nick the Dragon Slayer was obsessed with the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of
Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick...  

Proper Grammar!!!

On my 63rd birthday, I received a gift certificate from a friend. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation in Connecticut . It was rumored that he had a wonderful cure for
erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the
medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and
with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must
be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When
you do
that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and
you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the
medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he
responded. "But
when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took
a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the
bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began
throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3
for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition!

ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!

 

H/T SALDale

Ssssssssstttutering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,'she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered..' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,'said the teacher.

'It sure was,'said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit!', the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

h/t SALDale

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing. 

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.  I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick." 

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you." The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment inthis room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."   

"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering. The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?" 

"There's something wrong with my ear." The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it."

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

 

h/t SALDale

Tools and Their Uses

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'What the...??!!'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding=2 0heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles with the speed of a ballistic missile for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2 X 4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use..

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops  to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside  edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.  Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are t rying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

H/T SALDale

How To Call Police

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips,  an elderly man, from Meridian,  Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.  George opened the back door to go turn off the light,  but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?'

He said 'No, 'but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said 'All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'

George said,  'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.  'Hello,  I  just  called  you a few seconds ago  because  there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you  don't  have  to  worry  about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'  residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!

H/T SALDale

Who thinks this stuff up???

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect..

KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memorium: With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,
which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The
Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his
family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then
the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of
them!"

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like
the passengers in his car.

Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and beat you
with experience.

H/T anewDawn