Imponderables...cute

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make
the Tennessee Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately,

after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep
the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so
that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving to purchase a bull out of town, the brunette tells her sister,
'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out
after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram
to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to
 my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to
hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we an haul it
home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it
will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her
the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that
bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.  She 'll read
it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

h/t SALBob

The Italian Tomato Garden........

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was

very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in

prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.


Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this

year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my

troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

 

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area

without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

 

The next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

Tax Rebate Checks Explained

        Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
        A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

        Q. Where will the government get this money?
        A. From taxpayers.

        Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
        A. Only a smidgen.

        Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
        A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

        Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
       A. Shut up.

 

h/t SALDale

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH :
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH :
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


COLIN POWELL :
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

 

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY :
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART :
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS :
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL :
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS :
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how
it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON :
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE :
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES :
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ....... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN :
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON :
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE :
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS :
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON :
Why are all the chickens white? We need different chickens of color.

Be Careful If Your Computer Does This

 

You KNOW it's been infected with some crappy virus!


H/T AuntD

Talk about the roots of geneology.

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race
appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

h/t AuntD