1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. !
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'
6. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance W ith The Prophecy'.
7. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk
and see how many looks you get. 9. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
10. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.11. Sing Along At The Opera.12. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
13. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.14. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'15. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
16. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
17. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
Friday, May 30, 2008
How to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Walking the dog
A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
h/t Dale SAL Post 53
Famous quotes on Why the chicken crossed the road
BARACK OBAMA:The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn 't about me.......
DR. PHIL:The problem we have here is that this chicken won ' t realize that he must first deal with the problem on ' THIS ' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the ' OTHER SIDE ' of the road. What we need todo is help him realize how stupid he ' s acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding ' NEW problems.
OPRAH:Well, I understan d that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I ' m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:We don ' t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road..
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken 's intentions. I am not fo r it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he ' s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I 've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That' s why they call it the ' other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmles s phrases like ' the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It ' s as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn ' t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:Isn ' t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:Where ' s my gun?
AL SHARPTON:Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
JOHN MC CAIN:My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn 't about me.......
DR. PHIL:The problem we have here is that this chicken won ' t realize that he must first deal with the problem on ' THIS ' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the ' OTHER SIDE ' of the road. What we need todo is help him realize how stupid he ' s acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding ' NEW problems.
OPRAH:Well, I understan d that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I ' m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:We don ' t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road..
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken 's intentions. I am not fo r it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he ' s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I 've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That' s why they call it the ' other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmles s phrases like ' the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It ' s as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn ' t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:Isn ' t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:Where ' s my gun?
AL SHARPTON:Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
Abbott and Costello Computer Purchase
You have to be old enough to remember "Abbott and Costello", and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT : Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look a t the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'. .
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT : Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look a t the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'. .
Monday, May 26, 2008
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED
Men Are Just Happier People--What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear awhite T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister,or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Your underwear is $8.95for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Three Thoughts to Ponder
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
Cows - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that, when
investigating Mad Cow disease, our government can track a single cow
born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she
sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate the 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
The Constitution - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart
guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
The Ten Commandments - The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full
of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
Cows - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that, when
investigating Mad Cow disease, our government can track a single cow
born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she
sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate the 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
The Constitution - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart
guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
The Ten Commandments - The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full
of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
Dramatic story of an elephant's memory
I am not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing.
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
We are in trouble...
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your fanny,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice!!!
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your fanny,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice!!!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
mathematical formula for success
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
CHP vs USMC
Top this for a speeding ticket
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding
enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at
Miramar . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to
check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading
300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it
would not reset and then turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar
had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low
level flying exercise near the location.
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint
to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this
incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet
had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your
hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to
it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft
had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the
situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert
status and was able to override the automated defense system before the
missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them,
since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant
Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to
check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the
snap is broken on his holster.
Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding
enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at
Miramar . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to
check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading
300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it
would not reset and then turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar
had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low
level flying exercise near the location.
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint
to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this
incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet
had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your
hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to
it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft
had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the
situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert
status and was able to override the automated defense system before the
missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them,
since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant
Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to
check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the
snap is broken on his holster.
Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.
Tips For People Over 60 - Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."
MICROSOFT vs. GM
I've seen this several time before but wanted to preserve it here.~curt
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
Ever wonder why?
When a woman wears a leather dress
A man's heart beats quicker, He goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
Because she smells like a new truck.
A man's heart beats quicker, He goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
Because she smells like a new truck.
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